Being good at self-awareness is an important aspect in
getting my life back on track and preventing relapse and giving myself the
motivation to work through a problem and continue towards my goals. It took me
months to finally admit I was struggling with depression, but now I know
exactly what triggers my problems as well as how to manage them. Although
things only get worse the longer you are stuck in the place where you feel they
need to be. So I want to talk about my first month since being put on this programmer
and how things have changed since then.
When I started my journey to become mentally balanced, I had
thought the hardest part of the process was just over the horizon and the final
result would come quickly. That was until recently after reading a few
psychology books which made me realize that the truth is that there is nowhere
near the end of the process and all too often the results are nowhere near what
we expected. This last week has taught me two things. The first thing being
that if you're not happy about something you've done or even if you don't like someone,
you can always change your mind next time around. For example the person who
told you you were unattractive could go on to tell a friend of theirs that they
liked this person after realizing they do a lot more than they let others know
and that the negative feedback they were receiving from them didn't matter.
Similarly, if you're unhappy about going to see your therapist, you can go back
to it next time but keep doing a check up on yourself first and make sure you
can handle yourselves on your own.
The second thing being that my feelings are actually valid
because they're based on evidence and not necessarily how I'm feeling.
Something that helped me with this would be when one of my colleagues said
"I'm just stressed out, I have to attend the meeting tomorrow", and
here I am having issues, but I have to attend. If I'm really ill, such as right
now, then yes I have to attend or else I'll end up in hospital. However, if I'm
healthy, then I can still attend for the sake of my health.
Last week I came home one morning in tears because I realized
that last week had been horrendous, but not nearly as bad as the week before,
which was awful. In fact, in hindsight I realize after those weeks I have
actually enjoyed myself more and have no memory of that awful Friday night.
So this week has taught me to look at situations from a
different perspective, instead of focusing on one thing, such as if I want to
find love then I should appreciate any relationship if it's decent even if it's
difficult until I actually start enjoying it.
Another area I want to improve on is my ability to stay calm
when things get overwhelming. Sometimes there are people whom cause quite a
stir and I find myself thinking 'what will happen when they start making fun of
me?' We should also learn to accept ourselves and understand that this is
normal too for anyone and for whatever reason. This week has also taught me to
enjoy small moments because they don't have a huge impact on our lives. For
example, the weather was sunny today and it felt nice to sit outside under the
shade and watch my dog play on her toys. When the rain hits and it rains hard,
then it gets raining harder, sometimes it turns down the path, maybe the grass
is wet then the wind blows sideways and it hits me, but we should take small
steps, walk slowly and carefully and smile, enjoy the view and enjoy each
moment of what we're experiencing.
As I reflect on the progress I've made this week, in particular the achievements I've made in terms of my personal development, the progress I've made in keeping social anxiety under control and progress on my short term plan, I think about the positive impact that this whole exercise has had on me and my ability to cope with the world in general, my ability to focus, my ability to laugh, my ability to read a bit more in bed and generally just have a positive attitude. Being able to be confident, happy and positive, are some of the best qualities anyone can possess. My experience this week is that of a strong person that is aware of his/her emotions, and is able to control them, however I want to learn more ways to control my reactions. If I can be proactive, then hopefully I will be able to keep up with others and not allow myself to fall into cycles of anxiety where I lose time and energy just trying to remember what to say to someone. Asking the wrong questions is another way of losing myself in my own misery, this week I'm focused on listening and asking the right questions, and I hope this makes other people realize that sometimes it'd be nice to have a chat about what's happening.
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